Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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