The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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