I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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