If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
