I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
