Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
