Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
tell me about the eggs
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
