I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
