yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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