i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
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distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
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I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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