So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
