So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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