sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
