you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
