If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
