On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
In America we eat man semen.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
