Your face is a jimmy john
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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