Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
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He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
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It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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