There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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