my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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