he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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