Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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