My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
