and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
