i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
