the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
