it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
