Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
