Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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