im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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