I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
