I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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