i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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