So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
