..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I think a kid would responsible me up
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
