Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Randomize
