I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My Higher Power is John Stamos
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
