he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
