The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
