Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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