I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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