I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
