My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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