my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
