So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived