I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.