First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
