i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
