I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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