I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
