I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
