I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
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Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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