absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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