i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
